Nick Gray is the author of The 2-Hour Cocktail Party: How to Build Big Relationships with Small Gatherings. Previously, Nick founded Museum Hacks, a multi-million dollar business that he eventually sold. In addition, Nick has been blogging consistently for over 20 years and sends a personal newsletter called Nick's Friends to over 10,000 subscribers.
I recently interviewed Nick on my podcast, The Louis and Kyle Show. In our conversation, we discuss why Nick's mission is to help 500 people host their first cocktail party, the formula for hosting the perfect cocktail party, why parties are so helpful for making friends and improving your life, how to have fun while staying sober, how throwing parties can impact your dating life, the pros and cons of blogging, and much more.
How to Host a Party
Host your two hour cocktail party on a non red-level day. You’re going to host your party on a Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday night, when people are less likely to have any prior commitments.
You’re going to make sure that you collect RSVPs. You’re going to invite people one to one. You’re not going to send them a mass email or a message next door or a big Facebook post. You’re going to message people, ask them to RSVP, and then you’re going to send them a couple reminder messages. They get people to commit to attending, they keep your event top of mind, and they guarantee that you’re going to have a good turnout.
At the event, you just do a couple of things:
- Only let it go for two hours, that’s a tight start and a tight end.
- Use name tags.
- Run 3 little icebreakers.
- Snap a group photo at the end and then you finish them on time. That’s it. It’s not rocket science to host a good event but by adding a little bit of structure you’ll be seen by your neighbors and friends as someone who runs a really good event.
Now, we all are now more knowledgeable about hosting a party. But what about ending it? I think ending the party is one of the most challenging ideas for a new host. But the easy way to do it is simply turn up the lights, turn down the music, and make a little announcement for the last call. Read Nick’s advice about how to end a party here for more information.
The 2-Hour Cocktail Party
Nick wrote this book because he wants people to make more friends in their neighborhood and to connect with new people. He thinks the hardest part is that nobody teaches adults how to make new friends.
In The 2-Hour Cocktail Party, Nick teaches us how to host our own parties with an actionable step-by-step guide. The book gives party hosting a bit more structure and organization. Hosting an event and giving your guests a little bit of structure makes it even easier for people to build big relationships.
But Why Parties?
The benefit of hosting your own party is making new friends. Those friends can help enrich your lives in ways that include boosting your career, new deals, new business opportunities like we talked about.
We find out about the best things in life not always from our closest friends but from those ideas of those weak ties or loose connections. Your best friend's not going to tell you about an amazing new job because they're so close to you. They think you know everything. It's these people, that's our neighbor, or people at random clubs we're in or at kids' sporting games. It's those people we bump into that we find out about some of the most exciting things.
Icebreakers
When the pandemic hit, it really affected a lot of people’s conversational skills. We can see that people don’t know how to make conversations anymore. Which is why Nick’s icebreaker guide comes in handy!
A little round of icebreakers will mix up the room, help people make new conversations, and also help people end those conversations that are going too long.
Red level icebreakers like worst first dates should be avoided. Instead, you can do Nick’s three rounds of icebreakers:
- Say your name,
- Say what you do for work or how you spend your days,
- And then tell us what one of your favorite things to eat for breakfast is.
Summary
When you learn how to host an easy 2-hour cocktail party, or even a neighborhood party, you’ll make new friends and these days, everyone can use a new friend!
These are links to Nick’s articles that were mentioned in our episode.
The 2-Hour Cocktail Party: Book info
The 2-Hour Cocktail Party: Amazon
How To Make New Friends: Tips and Tricks for 2023
How to Do Icebreakers: The Ultimate Guide
Mocktail Party: How to Host When You Don’t Drink Alcohol
How to Host a Party in a Small Apartment
The 36 Best Icebreaker Questions for Work in 2022
9 Career Day Speech and Presentation Ideas (2023)
How to Host a Dinosaur Party for Adults
Watch The Interview
Podcast Transcript
Kyle: Hello and welcome to the Louis and Kyle Show. An interview podcast for my friend Louis. And I interview incredible entrepreneurs, investors, and thought leaders in a wide array of subjects.
Louis: Today we have the absolute pleasure of sitting down with Nick Gray, author of the book I have already here, the two Hour Cocktail Party with Kyle recommending reading It. Nick had some crazy energy in this conversation and to be honest, Kyle and I did as well. It was an absolute blast, by far one of the most fun episodes we've done. Nick, before writing this book, The 2-Hour Cocktail Party: How to Build Big Relationships with Small Gatherings, which of course is explained thoroughly in this podcast, Nick was the founder of a company called Museum Hack which became a multimillion dollar business. Nick sold this business in 2019 and since then, you know, really went all in on teaching adults how to make friends, which culminated in this book and his massive goal of helping 500 people provably host awesome two hour cocktail parties. And I say provably because if you send him a picture, he'll add it to his website, et cetera, et cetera. In addition to that, Nick has been belonging consistently for the past 26 years and has his own personal newsletter called it, Nick's Friends that has over 10,000 subscribers. That's all I have to say about Nick and this conversation. We discuss why it is his mission. Like I said, until 500 people host their first cocktail party we discuss this formula for hosting the perfect cocktail party, all down to how to find people to bring and the structure of the party and the reasons behind the structure for that party. We discuss why parties are so helpful for making friends and improving your life. We discuss how to have fun while stakes over. Of course, if that's your goal. We discuss how throne parties can impact your dating life, the pros and cons of blocking for 20 plus years. And if you've listened to the Louis and Kyle show before, you'll know we discuss a whole lot more. We're gonna do a super quick word from our sponsor and then we'll get this party started. And then Joy, this conversation with Nick Gray. Thanks so much. This episode is brought to you by our friends at Vasa, the virtual assistant staffing agency. If you need some extra hands to free up your time, let Vasa help you with hiring for administrative, technical and creative work. That's graphic design, cold callers, social media managers, sales reps, video editors, admin assistants, and more, more free up your time to focus on your highest impact work and learn more about Vasa VA staffing.agency or by clicking the link in the show notes to schedule a free strategy session with their team. Alrighty, back to the show, Nick Gray, we are excited to have you on the podcast. Been a long time coming, looking forward to this very much. Thank you for being here.
Nick: I can't wait to talk about parties. Let's do this.
Louis: Perfect. Well my first question is about parties. This is a question we almost always ask people who help people with stuff, which is a category that applies to a lot of guests. What comes to mind as one of your favorite reader stories? I think it's 115 to 120 parties that are directly attributable to you from the book. So far, what's, what's one of the one favorites? And don't tell me to be nice just in case it was me to be nice and it was top of mind. An easy cop out.
Nick: I worked with a kid who was in, I think like St. Louis and he had literally never had people over to his house before. He said he had two plates, one clean, one dirty, and he literally called me the day of the party freaking out so scared. He's like, “what temperature do I set the air conditioning at in my apartment? I'm, I'm gonna have more people than I've ever had over to my house.” And I like his story because he went from never having anyone in his house to having 20 people and has continued to host events and make new friends and build relationships. And I think that's kind of who I wrote the book for is that zero to one. So yeah, that was nice.
Louis: That's so awesome. It reminds me I have this playlist I looked up on Spotify. I think Spotify is fun cuz you can basically every playlist you can think of that might exist does exist. And like I exclusively like someone who listens to podcasts and audiobooks and stuff and like I remember I had to drive someone somewhere, so I just was like playlists to have in your car. So people think you're a normal person who listens to music and it was just like pop or something generic, I don't know. But I was like, what do you, what do you do for people? And this book is crazy helpful cuz it does take people from literally, it's like you've never talked to a stranger before is where you started, in My opinion.
Nick: Yeah, yeah. It's got all the scripts for that. Speaking of playlists, I used to have a playlist when I was in New York when I was dating and the playlist was called I'm Home. But the intentions of the playlist was a little different, but it was just a generic sound, you know, Alexa play the I'm home playlist when really it was mood, romantic music.
Louis: Oh that is strategic. Yeah. I I dunno if you followed Jacob Greenfield on Twitter, but I know you're obviously friends with Danny Miranda and there's a podcast they did together really talk about this, the book, the Setup by Danzer. And that was, that's some good setup.
Nick: I've Heard. That's a good book. I gotta watch it. My friend Neville lent it to me. I should read it.
Louis: Okay. Yeah. What sold me was seeing that Goggins on the testimonial. I was like, all right, well, Whatever.
Nick: Right. Speaking of which, his new book is coming out soon. I bet that's gonna be good. It may have come out already. Have either of you checked it out? I didn't read his first one. Did anybody read the first one?
Louis: I read the first one twice on audio full Length.
Kyle: I'll listen to it. Yeah. I don't know if listening counts as reading, but I listened to It.
Nick: Nice. Now how was it Kyle?
Kyle: You know, frankly it was very hyped up. People were like, you gotta listen to this is gonna change the way you think. Like, and I, I had heard his story multiple times and listened to him on a lot of podcasts. Kind of had been through the David Goggins, you know, content schedule previously. And while it was very good, you know, it didn't really change anything about my life. So I, I'll give it like a seven, you know.
Nick: Okay. Wham. This podcast, you can trust this podcast for honest reviews. Honest reviews.
Louis: You're drinking a LaCroix right now.
Nick: Yeah.
Louis: I don't believe you drink alcohol. What are your, just let's riff on the topic of throwing good parties if you yourself don't drink and just in general.
Nick: mm-hmm.
Louis: Having a fun social life as a sober person.
Nick: Yeah. So first I wanna paint the picture of the story for your listeners that you know, you're listening to this podcast cuz you're probably interested in self-improvement in business. You wanna improve your life and I want you to think about how your life could be different if you had a full social calendar, if people were inviting you to do cool stuff, if you met interesting people who inspire, encourage, and enable you to live your best life. You wanna improve your life and I want you to think about how your life could be different if you had a full social calendar, if people were inviting you to do cool stuff, if you met interesting people who inspire, encourage, and enable you to live your best life. Cuz a lot of us, like we peak in college for making new friends. For many people like that is as good as it gets. They live in a dense environment. I'm just curious, was that like you guys' experience or where are you at now in your own social friendship worlds?
Louis: Well, I'm ahead of the curve cause I've hosted a Nick Gray cocktail party already so I can answer the question as if I hadn't. Of course.
Nick: Yeah. Yeah. That I'm curious with Kyle. And then we'll come to you Louis cuz you've already Off it.
Kyle: Yeah. So it's actually, I've talked to a lot of people about this recently. I moved from, so I, I'm from Birmingham, Alabama, and I went to the University of Alabama and made a ton of friends there. And then I moved back to Birmingham. I pledged my fraternity as a sophomore and my girlfriend is year younger than me.
So like all of my friends are still at or in Tuscaloosa and I'm here and it's been weird moving back to a city that you're from. And I moved back to my parents' house, so like that's another thing. But it's been weird because like, you know, I know a ton of people here. And I moved back to my parents' house, so like that's another thing. But it's been weird because like, you know, I know a ton of people here.
Louis: Yeah, that's, That's Key.
Kyle: And and that's kind of like, I guess you could say I'm in search of that. I met a lot of cool people. You know, I'm, I'm doing things, I'm not like a recluse at all, but I don't have that, you know, familial friend group that I so enjoyed and, and still enjoy. Cause I, I'm only 45 minutes from school and my girlfriend's there, so I'll, I'll I'm there often. But yeah, that's kind of the spiel.
Nick: Nice, nice. And that's a, that's a common thing. You said something that I've never heard before, which is that phrase like in search of a group chat. And that is such a good way to describe like what I call in my book the core group. Yes. Which is your, your sort of core group of friends. But I love that idea. I feel like that could even be like a book. If you're gonna write a book, Kyle, it could just be called like in search of a group chat.
Louis: And you can, and it could be Nick Gray will be the first blurb.
Nick: Yeah, please, please deal. Please let me blurb better. Maybe I'll write it if I can steal that title. Kyle, can I license that title? Can I have it?
Kyle: You can, yes.
Nick: Hallelujah. All right, great. And Louis, what's your friend situation? What's it like?
Louis: Yeah, I, I'll, I'll like to say that I, I definitely have the beginner's mind and like I know that from someone like you especially, there's tons I can learn, but I've kind of in my entire life just thrown myself aggressively into challenging social situations. Like I've moved so many times just voluntarily like to study abroad where it's like, you know, go without anyone involved. Like, I went to a bunch of summer camps where it's just like solo. So I've like practice, I've at least like 10 reps of like I'm brand new and know zero people here and like have built friends from scratch like 10 times as an adult. So I'm, I'm pretty good at it. Like I moved like four times last year. Wait, what? Yeah, I moved, well in 2021 I graduated from Alabama, right.
Nick: Uh-huh.
Louis: And then I moved back to Vegas for a period of time. But then I moved to Tennessee but then I sort of moved to Miami, but then I moved back home and now I'm in Scottsdale and like that was all in like the 18th month period, fall on graduation and
Nick: Wow.
Louis: I did fine I guess that whole time. I mean there's just some shortcuts, right? It's like going on Eventbrite to find your affinity groups. Right? So in Vegas I had a friend who hosted Bitcoin meetups, so I started going to bitcoin meetups and I made some close friends there that I started hanging out with. And then here, right in Jewish. So I go to, I'll go <unk> stuff and then Kabad is like a great kind of everyone has just shared values, right? It's like a very set, very specific set of people who like to go to Kabad events. So like I just kind of immediately vibe with those people and then honestly I can just find interesting locals and bring 'em on the podcast and just kind of become their friends that way as like another superpower. So I mean, I've kind of got some hacks lined up, but the cocktail party has definitely, I mean, definitely forced me to probably double or triple the pace at which I did with those things.
Nick: That's good.
Louis: And also gave me I'll say…
Kyle: And we can cut this out loose, but I feel like the cocktail party is a real good way to meet girls.
Nick: Yes. No, let's talk about
Louis: Cut it. I mean, well I a girlfriend bro Say I'm a top 40 eligible bachelor in, in Scotts, I'm Not,
Kyle: I hate on you for saying that you don't have that many girlfriends outside of Las Vegas, but know
Louis: No, I have very male dominated interests. I study computer science, I like to do jujitsu, right? I like Bitcoin. Like if I'm in a, like my baseline has been set from like college where if you're in a room of like 95 people and 90 of them are men, you're like, well this isn't the worst room that I've been in a long time. Cause
Nick: Right.
Louis: super used to male dominated activities.
Nick: CS, Bitcoin and Jiujitsu. You're, yeah. Yeah. That's good. That's good. <laugh>.
Louis: If my goal is to be as you own possible, I would just, I would just go to those, go to those three activities.
Nick: So, I like the idea that I'd never heard that you said before, Louis, is to host a podcast to meet people in your local environment to just ask them to interview. And I never would've thought, because I talk to a lot of people who moved to a new town similar to you and we say all the same type of stuff. Find your affinity groups on Eventbrite, go to a social event, go to a church event, go to yoga, play a sport, a team sport. Have you heard of this hack? It was in my book that if you're gonna join a team sport, kickball leagues have the biggest have the biggest teams. Right. Did you do that, by the way? Did you join a kickball team? Was that you?
Louis: No.
Nick: Yeah. Somebody I talked to recently did it. They're like, yeah, I followed the book. You're right. It's a huge team. Everybody goes out for a drink afterwards. But the idea to host a podcast, I like it because you're going after targeted high value people that maybe you wanna be friends with. I think it's very cool.
Kyle: I will also say that having a podcast, especially the way Louis and I have done it being remote has been really cool. And Louis has taken advantage of this more than I have, but like pretty much any city in America, there's someone living there that we've interviewed and that's a really, you know, all you really need to know is one person and that relays into five people and et cetera, et cetera. So yeah, having a podcast and its ability to give you access in like New York City for example, you know, a few people there. It's like, it's pretty cool.
Nick: It's a really cool network and creating those relationships. That's what I'm obsessed with. I wrote this book cuz I think everybody can use to build their network and you know, networking is such a dirty term. It's, it feels slimy. Nobody, you guys' ages talking about networking. But the benefits there I think are huge. And so how do we reframe it into hosting parties that feel more authentic, that feel real, where you can add value before you try to ask anything.
Louis: I'm looking at my notes and just, I had the, the realization like I didn't bring my harmonica out, I just like saw the word harmonica on my notes. I'm like, it's not in my hands right now. And it should be. I want to revisit a question. I, I think we got sidetracked, but something I go in and out about just while we're, I don't wanna say airing dirty laundry, but there's your harmonica within arms reach cuz you're the pro, but, but I thought that's what you were grabbing. I Don't have my glasses.
Nick: Oh yeah, no, no. I have multiples all around the place.
Louis: Yeah. But I go in and out of like extended periods of sobriety and just kind of like, so all of 2020 was a zero drinking gear 2021. I was like okay, I learned my lesson, I'm just gonna like kind of moderate it. And so now I'm still kind of in the phase of like the adjustment, trying to find like the right amount. But you clearly have not, like I think a lot of people are like, well if you wanna make friends, if you wanna meet more women, like you should probably be drinking. Like what are your opinions on sobriety and social life and how those things either conflict or don't conflict? Because I think it's something people, I think a lot of people want to be sober cuz they're like, my life is definitely better if I'm sober.
Nick: Mm-hmm <affirmative>.
Louis: But it's just harder to make friends. It's harder to talk to people. It's harder to do X, y and z.
Nick: Yeah. Yeah. I get that. I think that, yeah, I think that makes sense. I've gone on unfazed this where I drink and I don't drink. The first time I really quit drinking really intentionally was when I was starting my last company. It was called Museum Hack. And we did these renegade museum tours and you know, the tours would happen on Friday and Saturday nights and I would be like, oh I can't drink cuz I have to work on Saturday morning or Sunday morning. Cuz we'd started to grow the business by doing morning tours as well. But the nighttime tours, the whole thing was drinking, right? Cuz you brought a secret bottle of alcohol and we drink in the museum and I try not to drink. I'd be like, oh, I can't drink tonight, you know, I gotta work tomorrow. And someone would be like, bro, it's my birthday. Come on, you gotta drink with me. I'd be like, okay, okay, it's your birthday. I'll drink. And then the next night I'd be like, okay, oh, I'm not drinking tonight. They'd be like, bro, I haven't seen you in like two years. Come on, we gotta drink tonight. Be okay. I haven't seen you in two years. And so eventually I was like, f**k, like I'm trying to grow this business. I said, I'm not drinking, I'm stopping until I hit a million dollars in sales. And saying that as my motto, as my message, as my goal, people could rally behind that. Cuz everybody understands that when you don't drink you can focus more. And I found that when I told people that they like rallied behind me. So it went from like, why don't you drink? What's your problem? What's up man? Come on to like, oh dang, let oh, oh, that's awesome. And they actually wanted to help me achieve that goal. So the, the, for me, I found setting the goal and being very clear with my messaging on the reason why I wasn't drinking was super helpful. You know, I worked with a matchmaker in New York City for about a year and she set me up on all these dates and the best part of working with a matchmaker is you get the feedback from the women the day afterwards. Like the real, real feedback <laugh>. And when I didn't drink, I wasn't like very upfront about it. Like, not because I was trying to hide it, but just I didn't want it to be weird. I wanted them to like feel comfortable to have a drink. And I didn't wanna start out being like, oh, I'm not gonna drink. So anyhow, I started to get feedback back that, you know, I'd ask them what they want for a drink. They'd say a glass of wine. And I'd be like, oh, it's just soda. I don't drink. And they would feel like almost like I duped them. Like there was something weird going on. And I heard that feedback from the matchmaker. And what I did was I just started to announce it right before and I'd be like, Hey, I'm not drinking right now. I'm laser focused on my business, but a lot of my friends drink and like, I know some people like to have a drink to loosen up. Do you wanna get a drink? Let's go up to the bar and get something. And so that really helped me on thinking about that messaging and being upfront about it and confident in my goals. I found that was pretty helpful.
Kyle: There's a term that Louis I think coined they call and then he calls it charisma arbitrage. And it's just being intentional with situations that you know, are going to come up and then having a, an answer that like fully answers the question. And it's kind of funny, you're describing charisma, arbitrage to me, which I love.
Nick: I love that phrase. That's cool, Louis. Is that, is there other ways you use that?
Louis: So the origin story of Chris Arbitrage, you may have noticed that I look similar to Sean, especially if I have a beard. If we have the same facial hair structure,
Nick: uhhuh, <affirmative>
Louis: and we're not brothers but when we go out together, we're frequently asked if, if we are brothers
Nick: Uhhuh, <affirmative>.
Louis: And we just got tired of being like, you know, we're not brothers. And so I'd be like, I'm his dad, you know, just like right off the cuff, just like something that's slightly better and like I'm actually his father. And just like if you say that like there's like a level of response time that like makes it funnier that like, that there's like some, it's just way funnier based on the timing of like how long it takes you to say that, Right?
Kyle: For sure. Exactly. The delivery definitely matters
Louis: versus you're like, if you like hesitate then it's like there's so many opportunities for it to go wrong. But basically like for his graduation weekend, right? Like we were meeting a bunch of his people, he like kind of loose ties in his network who like didn't know whether or not he had siblings. Like they knew him, but like not well enough to know if he had siblings or not. It's like at a graduation weekend, everyone's like, this person that's follow you around that looks like you, it's probably your brother. And so after like the 14th tie and the same day we just started to come up with like, all right, what are we gonna say to the next person who asks us this? Because we don't wanna just have like the same stupid conversation over and over and over again. <laugh>. And so the, the other big example of this is, so I also went to Alabama, right? But I kind of, there's not an amount I could care less about college sports for the most part. And so people were like, oh, did you go there for football? You know what I mean? And that's just like over and over and over and over again. I'm like, I went to Alabama and they're like football and I'm like, I have no interest in talking about football right now.
Kyle: Yeah.
Louis: So just like having like a comeback ready for that. And then I, I used to be vegan for a period of time and it's like, not anymore fortunately, but what I was, it's like, oh you're vegan and then they like wanna start a conversation. I was just, I just don't, I can't tolerate.
Kyle: But Louis is rerating all these ways that that was happening. And I think that that's true for everybody and I think that correct, if you look at your day-to-day, like people ask you similar questions all the time and if you, I think it can instill confidence in, in people to like have a, a good Answer.
Louis: I'll send you the article on it. I can link it in this post too as well.
Nick: Yeah, please, please, please.
Louis: And put it in the show notes. That'd be great.
Louis: Yeah. There was a point in time where I had organized my thoughts on this quite well, which was when I had published that blog post. Yeah. It's something I wanna do more of. I have this question fully written out. It's, it's one of the few questions I have in, in question four and rather than bullet point form you've been habitually sharing your life online for like 26 years. What have been the biggest pros and cons of just like being oh, a habitual overshare I have in my notes, what have been the biggest benefits, biggest drawbacks of that?
Nick: I would say the biggest benefit is all the people that I get to meet. You know, the biggest thing I do online is I share this thing called my friend's newsletter. And as much as I share on social media and on TikTok and on Instagram and on Twitter, you know, the reality is most people don't see your social posts. And yet my friend's newsletter that I started just sending a quarterly bullets in to my friends with cool books I read or fun links or what's going on in my life if I'm traveling the people that I stay in touch with, I'll just give you an example. I just went, today I was invited to go to this like startup pitch competition and I showed up there, number one, I got invited to it from that. And number two I showed up and like a couple people recognized me, this guy's like, dude I want a new museum tour like 10 years ago. I love your newsletter. And so the biggest benefit is like being recognized and staying in touch with a wide, wide network of people. The biggest drawback is that when you publish personally online, people believe that they have a very close relationship with you
Kyle: mm-hmm.
Nick: And yet what 92% of people never post. Right? And that applies to interacting with my content. So I never hear from 92% of people who know everything about me, which I don't mind, I don't mind. I put it out there but I don't know what's up with them. And so I'm one of the few people I think who will answer their phone. Like I answer almost all phone calls. I love phone calls, <laugh>. And I think because my friends hear so much from me online and my social channels, they're just, they're just slightly, maybe they don't have the type of connections that you'd have with a friend. You're like, oh dang, how's Jeff doing? I haven't talked to Jeff. I'm gonna call Jeff right now randomly. So I feel that.
Louis: That's super good. Yeah, that's super true. And I think also the thing about a friend's newsletter, cause I've had an iteration of that for a period of time, it's, it's like the highlight reel on steroids, right? Cuz it's like you're not putting, like, and I have mental health struggles this weekend and I was sad Tuesday through Thursday, but then it's just like, well on Monday I read this book and on Friday I did this thing. So like on the whole this week was f*****g awesome. And like that's the, that's the version of the story Ever's getting. So then I think people have this kind of comparison where it's like, why would I call Nick and tell him about my unexciting life and he's just gonna tell me about his exciting life. I don't, again, I think you want the type of friends who like want you to do well, but I think people might be like hesitant to pick up the phone if they don't feel like they have something equally exciting to share with You.
Nick: Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's a good, that might explain a little bit more about the not hearing from people. I'm trying to think if there's anything else that was, that was interesting. I think I'm just, I'm constantly surprised by, by the number of people that I can get in touch with. This is not new. I'm sure that you guys have experienced this too, but, but just meeting new people, I think it's great and it's something that I want to do more that when I was new to New York, when I was new to Austin, man I was hungry to meet people. I was cold emailing cold DMing people and now I get a little situated. I mean I should read my own book to say, look, reach out to people.
Kyle: Mm-hmm.
Nick: like take the reach, take the risk and it could, you never know you could make a new best friend.
Kyle: I feel like a lot of the conversation thus far has been how hosting a party can benefit me or or Louis. It's like, it's really good for somebody to get invited to a party.
Nick: Yes.
Louis: Yes.
Kyle: Can you riff on that for a minute? Sorry. I know there's no Question there, but like..
Nick: Dude, like that's the key part and Louis has probably seen this. I'm gonna challenge Kyle to host a party there in Birmingham. Is that where we are? Are you in Birmingham?
Kyle: Okay, I want to do it but I cannot do it at my current house
Nick: Because your folks, they wouldn't be down?
Kyle: My mom. Yeah, no Uhuh. Yeah. It would give her anxiety. But I am moving and so we, we we will get it done and we'll talk
Louis: I didn't wait until I moved too, I read the book in Vegas two months before I moved to Arizona and I waited until I moved, you know.
Kyle: I could do it at my girlfriend's house and that would be really fun.
Nick: Yes.
Kyle: And we, but they have parties all the time. Like we, we do that. So I wouldn't be..
Louis: You have to be the host of this one.
Kyle: Exactly. There's Difference. Exactly. It needs to be, it needs to be my thing. It's cos party At their venue. I'll move here soon and we'll, we'll Talk
Louis: or do it at the, do it at the, the whiskey, you know, it could be there as well potentially.
Kyle: Yeah, I could do that. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah.
Nick: Well, we'll brainstorm that. That would be cool just to do a little happy hour or something at that place called the whiskey. I'm actually gonna do like a party tour. I talked to a guy today in Birmingham, so I'm gonna try to swing by me and Kyle maybe are gonna co-host sometimes in January.
Kyle: Well I've got a venue unlocked. Yeah.
Nick: Okay, perfect. Perfect. Perfect.
Kyle: Uhhuh.
Nick: here's the benefits cuz your question was, yeah, we've been talking all about the host, but what about people who attend the party? First of all, like I said it's hard to make new friends. Most Americans have not made a new friend in the last two years. 19% of all men don't have a single close friend. We peak in college and as we get older it's harder to make new friends your party. When you host a party, you are gonna help your friends meet new people. And I think as Louis has seen, when you add structure to your party, you encourage all these little conversations. So your party is all about, it's almost like speed dating for friends. They're meeting all these new people. I've heard such incredible benefits from people that have attended my own parties. Things like, oh, I got invited to this. I met my girlfriend, I met my boyfriend, I met a business partner, I got a new client. And there's really no structured gatherings like that that help people to just meet new people. Like yes, I love that harmonica. It's really hard to like make new friends in an authentic environment. And so the parties are successful and they work because of how much value you add to all of your guests. I'd be curious to hear from Louis if this has happened to you where people start to introduce you. They're like, oh my god, Louis and Sean host these parties. You gotta go to one of their parties, ask 'em about their parties. As you start to host, you start to get referred people that like you didn't even have to work for. It just starts to come into your life. It's cool.
Louis: I think after the second party people get the impression it's gonna become a regular thing.
Nick: Yes.
Louis: In high school I hosted a lot of more than cocktail parties. We'll, we'll say. And Uhhuh there definitely was a, a reputation of a positive reputation for being a person whose house was a place for fun and people definitely came in. But that's more about the benefits for the host. But yeah, as far as benefits for the guests, I mean, so one tweet I put out a long time ago, I don't know if maybe I put it out or saw it, I'm, I'm removing myself from the credit statement, but there's a, a, a tweet that people are like, you know, back to the friends who do or don't call you, right? A lot of people are hesitant to like reach out to a friend that you've lost touch with 6, 9, 12 months, 15 months. And then you gotta flip the script and be like, if this person sent me a message out of nowhere mm-hmm. <affirmative> that said, Hey man, just you popped into my mind the other day, hope you're doing well. Like straight, very straightforward. Yes. You'd be like happy and would not think it's weird. You'd be like, oh that's so nice of that person. Like, I wonder how they're doing. And it's the same thing. It's like how often are you being invited to things is the question you have to ask yourself right now. Yeah. It's like, yeah, how excited would you be if you got invited to something? And like, that's how the people that you're inviting to your party like are feeling. And like, again, back to the, the grim statistics, people just are happy to be reminded that like their people want to like engage with them socially.
Nick: Dude, everybody wants to be invited to a party. Everybody wants to be invited. Like a lot of people, oh my gosh, what if somebody says no, I, you know what? I don't mind if somebody says no to my party, they're busy. They have life going on. Like even now as I invite people, I still have a 50% hit rate. People are busy. I don't take it personally, but everybody wants to be invited. They wanna know someone who connects. So back to Kyle's point, like what do the guests get? They get invited. They feel wanted, they feel like, wow, this is exciting. Now one thing I've found that really helps the guests to feel more comfortable is letting them know what to expect. So in my formula there's a start time and there's an end time. There's a brief overview saying they'll be name tags and icebreakers and that helps to remove any hesitation at the time of the party to doing name tags or ice breakers. And so letting people know, like I haven't include a little bit of an agenda that I mix it up, but I just let people know cuz I'm increasingly thinking about those that are shy or who have social anxiety that are like introverts because a party full of extroverts is not as fun. You want a diverse group of people. So I like to include and to mention that stuff. Speaking of meeting people that you haven't heard from, what are your guys' opinions on or what are your social groups do? I'm specifically curious for Thanksgiving, did you guys send or receive like sort of mass message sort of texts from people happy Thanksgiving? Where do you land on that
Louis: Different call?
Kyle: Why Was that guy this year? I sat down in the morning and just sent one to, I don't know, I, it wasn't really a science to it. I got a text from somebody who was like, where was my Thanksgiving text? And I was like <laugh>. But I just went back through like my recent texts. Yeah. And you know, sent it to a bunch of people that I was, I am thankful for. And I don't know, I think it came from a genuine place. It wasn't like they weren't mass texts either. It was like personal. So I didn't, I don't think I received one other than a reply from everybody. But I've got a lot of joy out of it.
Nick: Nice. Nice. I like that. It sounds like it brought you happiness and it it made you really happy. So I like that. Louis, what do you think? Yeah, I go in and out of being like the, the Happy Holidays guy.
Louis: Some, sometimes I take it like crazy seriously and like send out like 50 other times I'm like, you know, kind of come back, come back to you. I don't wanna say with like a, like a resentful attitude, but like a, you know, like let's find out like if I wasn't the happy holidays guy, how many people would I hear from Right. If I wasn't the happy person? Yeah. So I think I'm kind of in that phase where you're like, Hmm, I'm usually that guy. So what happens if I'm not that guy? I, I reached out to one business mentor that I've been kind of meaning to update. Okay. This is substantial actually. Okay. So one, it was a good reason to reach out to like a business mentor who like helped me talk through the process of leaving my last job and gave me some really helpful advice and guidance there. And that was like in August. So I hadn't really had a reason to like stop and tell him like what, how the new thing has been going. Right. Has that been successful and like a positive change. So that was a good like catalyst to message him. And then actually on the same vein my previous employer, that was the first time I had reached out to my previous employer directly and like reopened lines of com because I kinda like, I quit that job. I mean I did it tactfully, like again on good terms with everyone there, but I just didn't have any and it's always awkward to leave a job. And so that was also in August. So I hadn't had a reason to like really message him about anything. I either. So I was just like, Hey man, happy Thanksgiving, how things are good. And that reopened a line of communication with him cuz he was a nice person. He was actually on the podcast like a year before I started working with him and he was telling me that Kyle and I were pretty friendly with and it just kinda was awkward to leave that job. And cuz it wasn't like, I don't like you, it was just like, honor run my own company. And as an employee at your company, that's not the same thing as running my own company. Point is that there was some awkward stuff that was kind of weighing on me that I relieved on Thanksgiving by just sending him a casual note.
Nick: That's great. That's good. Right? That's nice to send that.
Louis: It's a big positive. Big Positive.
Kyle: What about you Nick?
Nick: You know, I didn't do it and it's almost the same reason. I feel like I'm already an communicator and so I have to be careful around those things that are for other people a day to communicate.
Kyle: Mm-hmm.
Nick: Does that make sense?
Kyle: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Nick: Because it's like, it's almost expected of someone like me who like spams and sends message like that. So those days it's, I feel the same way about New Year's Eve, right? So a lot of people, oh my God, what are you doing for New Year's Eve? What are you doing? I'm like, I don't think I'm gonna do anything. Like that's the night when other people go party. Like I party all the time. Like, I'm not trying to go out on a night like that. I kind of feel the same way about Thanksgiving messages. It's like that's for other people. Like I wanna give other people the space and I want it to come from an authentic place. Now I did used to send like a personal newsletter on Thanksgiving. Something very much like heartfelt or just like reflective because Thanksgiving's such a like off day. Like everybody has it off from work more or less. And it is a very reflective day. But yeah, I think it's an interesting time to do these types of things.
Kyle: You keep bringing up a word. I think every answer, I haven't been counting, so don't help me to it, but authenticity, you know, it's something that is kind of elusive. If you try to be authentic, you're not being authentic. Like how, how do you be authentic and how do you, and I think that's good on the question, but <laugh> Yeah.
Nick: So I think about it a lot because networking gets such a bad name. And being authentic to me means hosting a party where you get to give before you ask for anything. When I host a party and I host at home, I get to be generous by inviting someone into my home. I get to serve them drinks and snacks and then introduce them to my friends. And for me, that's being authentic. That's building a relationship by giving massive value first and foremost. And so I think a lot about that. How, you know, how can we give, give, give. And I think about my online stuff, you know, to this day I've never tried to sell a course. I've never tried Toshi, a Dow or an ICO or a coin. I'm just trying to give whatever value I can give by producing good content. And I think that there's, I don't know, I don't know. I'm in Austin. And so just like anywhere you meet people that you can kind of tell you're just a little bit like, Hmm, what's your hustle?
Kyle: Mm-hmm. <affirmative>
Nick: And I'm so jazzed about parties.
Kyle: That's what I wanted you to say. Yeah, You can..
Nick: What's That?
Kyle: You can, it's just a feeling. You can just feel it.
Nick: Yeah. Yeah.
Kyle: And that's like, that's all it really is.
Nick: Yeah. Yeah. It's a feeling. I think that's an interesting thing that you said, which is like the moment you try to be authentic, you might not be right. It kind of snaps you out of it. So I don't know. I don't know. It's something I should think about.
Louis: I I was chatting with Dino friendly with Dino somehow and he kind of pitched me and I was like, I'm not ready for this yet, but you're a good dude and we should stay in touch. And then we're kinda all active on Twitter. So I got a couple questions from him
Nick: Dino's Awesome.
Louis: That's great.
Nick: He's really smart.
Louis: Yeah, he is. Nice guy.
Nick: Dino Hosted a party too in Orlando. I saw the pictures.
Louis: He also has a dog in his photo.
Nick: He did! Yes. Dang, I should collect all the dog photos. That's an interesting Idea.
Louis: This subset of your photos. Train a model. You are a big advocate for name tags. I got over the hurdle and this is one of Dino's questions. I I back to being authentic. If I ask someone personally just that one person for a question and they, I'm like, Hey you, you know Nick more personally than I do. If I ask someone personally just that one person for a question and they, I'm like, Hey you, you know Nick more personally than I do. Like what are some things you ask him? And then if I don't ask those questions, I feel like the biggest piece of s**t. So I ask at least one of them. So why do people have this aversion to name? Like where is the source? Maybe it's maybe we're going to therapy here. Like where, where, where's it coming from? Maybe it is the surface levels.Like the networking has a dirty name and name tags are networking. But why do people hate name tags?
Nick: It's so funny you said that because I have sort of become a party therapist since the launch of my book. I get to hear and talk to people who have party trauma and everybody has some party trauma, right? Maybe they hosted a birthday party where nobody showed up and maybe they've gone to parties that they're not happy at or they felt uncomfortable or awkward. Or maybe they host a party and they're so stressed. And so I get to talk to people about their party trauma and that's very nice. But the name tags, I think people associate name tags. Number one thing I hear from people, maybe the age of your listeners is that it feels too corporate. They say, oh man, this isn't a networking event. You know, this is just some friends hanging out or like, oh, you know what's just my friends, my friends friends, we don't need name tags. I know everybody's names and they feel that the name tags are too formal, they're too corporate for a casual hang. And what they do is they become a lazy host. They become a chill host. Oh man, I just want to chill. Oh, I don't wanna do icebreakers. I just want it to happen naturally. Right? And what that means is they're not actually taking generous leadership to be a leader in their social environment. To add a little bit of a framework. Think about playing sports. You can't win the game if you don't know the rules. The same thing applies to social events. If you don't have a little bit of guardrails, you can't help make people successful. And so when we do name tags, when we have icebreakers, name tags by the way serve as a visual unifier that there's no cliques at this party. This isn't like Louis's friends and then Sean's friends. This isn't like Kyle's friends and Kyle's girlfriends friends. It's like everybody's there at the party. Like we're all on the same team. And so I like, it's like wearing jerseys on a sports team. Like you're all on the same team when you wear a name tag. And then the last thing I, I, I mentioned this before, but think about people with social anxiety that are awkward, people that are introverts. Not having to remember somebody's name just makes it that much easier to have the conversation and to be present. I'm terrible with names myself so I genuinely use them cuz I'm terrible with names and a lot more people probably for both you guys. You host a podcast, a lot of people know your names and you may not remember everybody's names. They remember interacting with you. But you meet so many people.
Kyle: I'm so bad with names. Yeah, I know the first step to getting better with names is not saying that you're bad with names but like it's just it's hard.
Louis: So we had this guy…
Kyle: I really appreciate the name tag. Yeah.
Louis: We had this guy on the podcast, Joe Puccio from Cortical. He actually lives in New York and he's doing a very good job of expanding his social circle. He hangs out in Washington Square Park like every day by NYC cause he lives in that area and or near nearby. And he basically has an iPhone note. He's like, we didn't hear from this dude for like three or four months. And then he basically sends us one day, he's like, boys, I've gone through a renaissance and he sends us like this iOS note of like 200 people he's made friends with at the park and just like their name and like some basic metadata about the person. And I basically took that same philosophy when I moved to this apartment with my roommate. Like we got our iOS note of all the people we've met since we've been in Scottsdale and now we just don't forget names cuz it's like every single person we meet, we just like, boom boom. It helps that I have a partner who's like in on it with me. But like you can be the psycho if like, maybe if they the people on your list, like find your list or be like, what the hell? But also it's like, I didn't forget your name, did I? Yeah, that's make Gestures with Emma.
Nick: That's Smart. No, but look, but like <laugh>, it's so funny that you said that, right? You're like, I might think it's psycho. Like why, why is that weird? That's not weird. Like you are showing intentionality. I wanna remember this person. I want to get better at making friends. And I think when we can talk about like nobody teaches us how to host parties, how messed up is that, that you're just expected to grow up knowing how to host Maybe your parents host your grandparents course.
Louis: My parents got a hospitality degrees and I don't think either of them took a course in hosting parties,
Nick: Right? Nobody teaches you how to host. And so I wrote this book with the idea of like, look, these are some basic things that I've learned that can just help to make it a little bit less stressful. And I wonder what other topics would be available on that. Like basic life skills that you can level up in an hour or two of reading that will serve you for the rest of your life. Do either of you guys know how to juggle? By the way ?
Louis: I'm not a juggler. I'm, I'm a handbag. But the really valuable blog though.
Louis: Well That juggle, a good adjacent skill to parties is party tricks, right? That's like the sequence.
Nick: Yes. Yeah.
Louis: That's the value matter.
Nick: Yes. Simple, simple little tricks. When I come out to Birmingham, Kyle, I'm gonna try to teach you how to juggle. I've taught a couple dozen people how to juggle and I can know within about 30 seconds how long it'll take me to teach you how to juggle. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And about 50% of everybody I can teach how to juggle in five minutes or less. Okay? The other 50% lack basic hand eye coordination and it takes me hours on them and I just stop. And so there's a chance that I'll be like, all right Kyle, I can't help you, but I have a feeling that you'll be able to learn very, very quickly. And it's those little life skills that once you learn how to juggle, once you learn how to host, host a party, it, it kind of just changes. You just feel like you level up a little bit.
Kyle: And this comes back to something Louis and I talk a lot about, and I'm sure you've heard before, but just people don't remember what it's like to not know something. And so like saying what's obvious for people who weren't given the same like opportunities or whatever, it's like it's super generous, like you said, generous leadership. And so I'm all about that. I love it.
Nick: Heck yeah. So I think we'll come leading, Come with that sense of authority, right?
Louis: Mm-hmm.Yes. I think we're coming up on the time mark here to respect everyone's evening plans. But Nick, I know you are extremely genuine in your goal of you're on this mission right now because you want 500 people to host parties and you wanna have undeniable proof that happens. So tell people what will happen if they host a party, you'll put 'em on their website, right? So read the book like what is best case scenario for someone who listened to this was inspired and wants to like, help Nick with this life mission of helping themselves.You know, of course
Nick: My mission is to get 500 people to read my book and host a party. I'll teach you a party operating system, a framework for hosting events that can apply to a book swap. Which by the way, both of you guys do, don't do this yet. Host a couple parties first, but you have to do a book swap. Number one, it positions you as this like genius sort of expert. Number two, everybody, right? Everybody has books that they want. Everybody has books they want to get rid of. And a book swap is a really like top tier easy event that you can host that just changes the game a little bit. I'll include show notes, links for how to host a bookshop. Whoa, what's that? What's that? Are these all the books? If you're watching this on YouTube or somewhere where there's video
Kyle: Louis has like 1200 of these books.
Louis: So I brought two books that I, I brought two sets of books I have redundant copies of to start giving away intentionally here. Nice. So this, we've had four of the, this book was written by like nine people. We've had four of them on the show. So I have like 10 copies of it that I'm starting to give out. 18 really cool uhhuh. And then this was the Gary v Nft thing. Nft for every 12 you bought. So I brought like 20 of them down here. So I have books in a good way in duplicate form. Like I specifically bought them from Vegas last weekend to be like, I can start using these for some like social barter or something or birthday gifts. It's like now I just have birthday gifts or, or whatever lined up for just random people.
Nick: Happy birthday. Here's a book from Gary V. People are gonna love you. You're gonna be great, that's gonna be fantastic.
Louis: I, I'm sad we didn't get to get into as much advanced party techniques cuz I wanted to ask you about themed parties another time. But I know you, you get into a lot of this in a lot of places. But the book is on Amazon is in any physical locations Like is in?
Nick: The book is on Amazon. You can also buy the book on Audible. I recorded the audible myself. I went to a studio. I think I paid like six grand to record it. And it was really an experience. It was so much fun but also really tiring. They told me, what do you want for lunch? And I was like, well I'm only gonna be at the studio for three hours. I don't need to eat right. I'm gonna be there from like 10 to one. And they said no. Like, what do you want for lunch? Just tell us what you want. I was like, okay, some sandwich. I don't need to eat though. I'm an adult. I kid you not like clockwork. After two hours of recording we had to cut it because my stomach was growling. Huh? And I thought about it, I said, why would that be happening? Well, think what it would be like if you guys were podcasting nonstop. No breaks for questions, just nonstop talking for two hours reading like you're a hundred percent tuned in. And it blew my mind how physically exhausting that process was. Suffice it to say that. I think I did a great job with the recording, so check it out on Audible.
Louis: I have like 12 credits. We can do a giveaway. I'll give out like two of these books. I have 12 credits, two of 'em are expiring. Soon I'll give out two.
Nick: Please. Yes, Listen, if you listen to this, Send a note to Kyle or to Louis. They'll give you a free card.
Louis: We have so many extra audible credits. Yes. Wow, that's a great idea. Thank You. So DM me or Nick or Kyle if you want one. And I'll give two people and I'll post the receipt like within a month of publishing that someone received one somewhere. Twitter only. Yes. Sorry folks. Twitter only even as simple for myself.
Nick: Is this First giveaway on the podcast?
Louis: No, the first giveaway is Wild Daniel, but..
Nick: Okay, good.
Kyle: It's the first giveaway maybe in the hundred episodes.
Louis: So We have, you know, Cole Schaffer, he's the guy, he's dating Casey Musgraves now, but he's like the copywriter on Twitter. But we gave out like two copies of his book back in the deck of poetry.
Nick: You have to call me Louis? Call me on Thursday morning, or even late on Wednesday night? Tell me how your party went. I would love to hear.
Louis: Okay, that sounds like a plan. Well, this is a great place to wrap up, Nick. You're on Twitter at, at Nick Gray News, I imagine based on what you chose to make your name card in this episode for us where we're seeing it. And this was an absolute blast. Thank you so much for your time today.
Nick: Awesome. Thank you Kyle. I'll see you in Birmingham when I come out there and Louis can't wait to co-host another party With you.
Kyle: And that wraps up an amazing conversation with Nick Gray. My three takeaways. Number one, host a party seems like you know, an incredible way to make friends and to help others and to help yourself. I plan on doing it when the time is right and yes. Number two, the concept of generous leadership. I think, I don't think I've ever heard that before. It really struck a chord with me. You know, when he was talking about putting your name tag on or putting a name tag on the guest, even though they don't want to, is a form of generous leadership because you're helping to facilitate the party and helping to facilitate these relationships that wouldn't otherwise occur. And I really think that that was a, a cool moment in the podcast and I'm gonna take that with me going forward. Number three is oversharing as a superpower. Most people are closed off and don't want to talk about themselves, don't wanna be vulnerable. And I think that's a natural thing and it's hard to get over, but the value of doing that, I think is is huge. Both for your own mental health and for your relationships with others. So I would recommend oversharing.
Louis: Interesting takeaways from Kyle. Three from me. First one, sobriety can start having the pre-planned excuses or, or lines or plans for the awkward moments that come with being sober. So Nick said they just tell people that you're not having a drink until you make a million dollars and then all of a sudden they rally around you. You don't necessarily have to make that your goal. Maybe it's like having your first $10,000 a month for your business. Maybe it's getting your resting heart rate to a specific goal. What I've done in the past is having like a race for like a marathon, something coming up like, Hey, I got, you know, running this 5K like five a week from now and I gotta get my time down. You just tell people something like that will work and then it will work. Versus you hit 'em with like the bigg, yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's not gonna go very well for you. But of course as Kyle brought up the idea of chara arbitrage, this applies to a lot more situations. And it's not gonna go very well for you. But of course as Kyle brought up the idea of chara arbitrage, this applies to a lot more situations. I forget to do that and you will find it. Second takeaway from me, similar to what Kyle's saying by oversharing, but the friends newsletter, super valuable. I have one called Louis Learnings. I don't write on it weekly as much as I used to, but I still do put it out periodically and that's all you have to do. When you put something on social media, you have no idea who's gonna see it. No idea. You have lots of people who are important and our whole, again, the point isn't to necessarily have your message read by important and powerful people, but people who might be able to help you with things are not necessarily scrolling Twitter or Facebook or Instagram all day and learn not looking at your stories. And there's not really anything deep about posting on those other flat hs at least most of the time. So hi. Highly recommend trying the friends newsletter idea out, even if it's just once every three months, even if it's just once a year, it's a pretty sick idea. The number three, of course, is the obvious one. Kyle, what's the obvious one?
Kyle: Host a party.
Louis: Host a party. They've been great. I got my second one tomorrow. Nick will personally, if you're one of the first 500 people, host a party, communicate with you to be helpful in your journey. And I cannot overstate the benefits of doing so. Nick clearly is a happy go-lucky dude with tons of friends and an active social calendar, and I think we know how he did that because he told us how. And the yes, sir, for people not able to do all of the deductions was hosting a cocktail party. That's everything for me for this conversation with Nick Gray. Thank you so much for listening, and we'll see you in roughly one week with the next episode. Be sure you are subscribed wherever you're listening. Let's see. You're the first to know when it happens. I'll see you there. Bye-bye.